101 uses for a Woman

seraph — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:52:08 +0000

Ok so you’ve read about the 101 uses for a man, the men have cooked up a similar list for the ladies as well, again courtesy of Times Online and you can find the original article here. 101 uses or not, I think we’d still love you, and yes it’s an unfair world (to men of course) and women always complain that they’re being treated unfairly.

Finding at least one thing about your appearance worth complimenting (“I’ve always loved your … earlobes”).
Finding at least one thing about your new haircut worth criticising.
Lending you (often without knowing it) moisturiser.
Keeping Darfur on the agenda by being interested in what George Clooney is up to.
Employing, through her retail habits, tens of thousands of children in the developing world.
Leaving lots of little bits of ground apricot kernel in the bath after her weekly exfoliation.
Never being too embarrassed to dance with you, despite your two left feet.
Compensating for your lack of colour co-ordination (they know the colours that go — and the ones that don’t).
Answering all the boy-band questions in the pub pop quiz.
Remembering the birthdays of friends, family and long-forgotten godchildren.
Having a unique method of navigation (“No, the other left”).
Fishing, outrageously, for compliments.
Reminding you about Mother’s Day. Twice.
Saying that you’re not romantic enough and then complaining about your choice of restaurant.
Looking great in a little black dress. Every woman has her inner Audrey Hepburn.
Being paranoid about running out of petrol (you know the car will do 50 miles after the warning light comes on, but would it hurt to fill up now?).
Restacking the dishwasher after you’ve done it.
Gaydar (“My best friend from uni, are you sure?”).
Writing thank-you notes after Christmas.
Saving the planet, one toilet-roll tube at a time.
Making summer in the city endlessly diverting.
Spotting lipstick on your collar.
Finding something to like about your football team, even if it is only that Cesc Fàbregas “has a nice smile”.
Moaning that you never cook dinner, and then getting all control freakish when you try to take over the kitchen.
Being the Queen.
Asking questions to which there is no winning answer.
Wearing the lingerie that you bought her on Valentine’s Day at least once.
Saving Hugh Grant and Colin Firth from being unemployed.
Making divorce lawyers rich.
Monitoring your breath (they can detect garlic-bread consumption at ten paces).
Wearing your pyjamas.
Getting the kids to school on time … with their homework, dinner money, PE kit and the signed letter allowing them to go on the school trip on Friday.
Cajoling you into turning up on parents’ evening.
Randomising your CD collection by putting the wrong artists in the wrong cases.
Being able to say something nice about your mum’s clothes, hair, garden or cooking no matter how tense things got last Christmas.
Giving builders something to whistle at.
Giving Italians something to pinch.
Hearing your sotto voce cursing from three rooms away.
Coming over all Florence Nightingale, when you both know it’s just a cold.
Making the prospect of moving into a studio flat and losing half your income seem desirable.
Showing you no sympathy for your hangover (maybe you’ll think twice before ordering Jägermeister chasers next time).
Being able to have a 15-minute phone conversation when a five-minute one will do.
Knowing when the sheets need changing.
Enthusiastically dancing with children and old people at weddings so that you can concentrate on propping up the bar and making salacious comments about the bridesmaids.
Buying that really nice-smelling shampoo.
Communicating with animals, plants and babies.
Staying awake all night worrying about when your teenage children will come home.
Not making fun of you for falling asleep during Match of the Day.
Fixing your bow tie.
Buying you new pants and socks.
Choosing your aftershave (you thought Lynx was OK?).
Preventing you from becoming a sports bore by filling up the diary to coincide with all major sporting events.
Criticising you for never tidying up, but using the bed as a table on which to store assorted underwear and hosiery, and filling the car with bits of make-up.
Encouraging you to get in touch with your sensitive side.
Singing the soprano aria Vissi d’Arte from Puccini’s Tosca.
Making you fashionably late by coming downstairs in a dress, going back up, changing, and coming back down again in a remarkably similar dress. Then asking you if you preferred the first one.
Encouraging your kids’ artistic talents, despite all the mess that they’ll make with the glue, paint and egg boxes.
Breastfeeding.
Having a strong opinion on the seating plan, flowers and colour of the bridesmaids’ dresses at your wedding.
Remembering all those little details about your children that alcohol, stress and old age have wiped from your memory.
Preventing the early onset of Alzheimer’s by making you guess which tiny, imperceptible slight she is cross with you about today.
Being more embarrassing than you are when drunk.
Solving the recession by buying “investment” fashion items.
Reminding you that the mightiest power on the planet is not Russia, or Iran, or the British Army, but a humble sex hormone called oestrogen.
Breaking biscuits in half before eating them.
Breaking your heart.
And then sleeping with your best friend.
Reminding you of the nutritional benefits of broccoli and half a grapefruit — and that Kettle Chips, cheese and chocolate biscuits are the reason that you’re a stone heavier than you were three years ago . . .
…And then eating two Mini Magnums during Newsnight.
Letting you be the knight in shining armour when she didn’t really need rescuing.
Knowing everything about your kids’ education when you struggle to remember which class they are in at school (“Is it 9, er, K?”).
Being an expert in internet shopping, yet incapable of replacing the printer cartridge.
Proving that the application of logic, contrary to the views of most philosophers, is not a necessary prerequisite for winning an argument.
Providing the essential sports equipment for Finland’s annual wife-carrying competition (where the winner receives his wife’s weight in beer).
Pretending that she’s grateful after you’ve spent all Sunday tidying the shed.
Indulging you when you describe how the goal you scored on Sunday was up there with the one that Ricky Villa scored against Manchester City in the 1981 FA Cup final.
Diagnosing your child’s latest development problem.
Moaning about how all the school shirts she ironed are now scrunched up at the bottom of your son’s wardrobe.
Tidying away important documents into the recycling bin.
Giving away your most unfashionable clothes to charity (without you realising).
Obsessing about your ex-girlfriends enough to make you feel like a lothario.
Loving you enough to lie about how many men she has slept with.
Giving you the biggest half of whatever it is that you’re sharing.
Checking any handwashed dishes for “missed bits”.
Justifying the premium that you paid to protect your no-claims bonus.
Sharing your most intimate secrets with her friends.
Spending enough on her highlights to make you feel OK about buying yourself a new iPhone, Sky subscription or Premier League season ticket.
Asking, “Does this taste funny to you?”.
Covering beds in enough pillows to suffocate an entire old people’s home.
Spitting in a handkerchief and then rubbing it on your face because you’re grubby.
Asking who left the toilet lid up.
Spending so long in the shower that the drain overfills and floods next-door’s garden.
Salvaging the dinner you’ve totally messed up.
Looking worse than you with a moustache.
Borrowing your favourite jumper and making it smell like a girl.
Losing the plot in films.
Going through the other DIY jobs that need doing while you balance on a ladder trying to fix something else.
Buying things and hiding them at the back of the wardrobe.
Calling you just after you’ve pulled out of the car park to let you know about that other essential item that she wanted you to get.
Giving you a very good reason for being late for work.
Propagating the human race.

Penangite » Women

101 uses for a Woman