A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmasand Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

HIDE HIM DURING A WAR

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”

“But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.”

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!”

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord.. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : ‘Do you have color TV ?’

Salesgirl : ‘Yes !’

Ah Beng : ‘Give me a green one, please ‘

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on ‘Salary Expected’, but he is not sure of the question.

After much thought, he writes ‘ Yes ‘

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : ‘What is that shiny object ?’

Salesgirl : ‘That is a thermos flask.’

Ah Beng : ‘What does it do ?’

Salesgirl : ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold’

Ah Beng : ‘I’ll buy it’

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss : ‘What is that shiny object ?’

Ah Beng : ‘It’s a thermos flask.’

Boss : ‘What does it do ?’

Ah Beng : ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold’

Boss : ‘What do you have in it !?’

Ah Beng : ‘Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream’

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

Why can’t Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can’t find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the ‘Help’ command after some tries.

Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : ‘I press the ‘F1′ key for help lah, but it’s been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!’

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, ‘I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah – but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah’

‘Oh dear !’ the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
‘But, what happened to the other ear ?’

Ah Beng answered : ‘That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!’

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng: ‘COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?’

Operator: ‘JUST A MINUTE…’

Ah Beng : ‘THANK YOU lah’ AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he’d been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

‘It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT’, Ah Beng brags.

‘FIVE MONTHS ? THAT’S TOO LONG’, the friend exclaims.

‘YOU ARE A FOOL.’ Ah Beng replies, ‘SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS’.

At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng’s left tells the bartender,
‘JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE’

and his companion says, ‘JACK DANIELS, SINGLE’.

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, ‘AND YOU, SIR ?’

Ah Beng replies : ‘Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah’

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A lovely Push…!!!

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, you know, I was a fool when I married you.

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice